Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.
Epictetus. Enchiridion, 8
My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.”
Nietzsche
The Stoic “Dichotomy of Control” applies to disappointment too. What do we do, and how should we feel when we do not get something we wanted. Worse, what do we do when we don’t get something we think we deserve? It is not easy to accept something like this, but at the end of the day, love of fate, or Amor Fati, is a prerequisite to true Ataraxia, or tranquility.
Yesterday I learned that I would not be getting something I wanted. I imagined that I would be far more upset, but when I found out, I felt very little. There may have even been a bit of relief if I am being frank. Regardless of how I felt about this thing, the truth was that I am never going to get it.
I did everything right. I was prepared, I hade put together the requisite tools, I made the right contacts, and checked all the boxes. Through no fault of my own, the powers that be told me it simply was not in the cards. I could have been angry, or sad, or have argued that it was unfair, but in the end, nothing I did would have changed it. So, in knowing that it was no longer in my control, my options became; be fruitlessly emotional about it, or accept fate, and move on. In this case (though I hate to admit not in all cases) I was able to do the latter.
The stoics ask us to go even further than acceptance though. They tell us not just to accept fate, but to love fate. Lest anyone think I am prejudiced towards other philosophers, Nietzsche
seems to agree with the Stoics here (though not so much in other places). Realize that in so many moments in our life, the thing that we thought a curse, is, in fact, a blessing. Even if it isn’t, if we embrace it nonetheless we have a better chance of turning it into a blessing. Conversely, if we fight it, or went into the corner to cry over it, we make it into a curse ourselves.
This opportunity that I was denied would have had me move. I would have had to leave a house I really enjoy and new hobby I love. Plus, there is a chance it was going to cost me another opportunity down the road. All of these things were in my calculations form the beginning, but when I found out fate had other plans, it was not hard for me to love my new fate.
What happens to us is almost always out of our control. What is in our control is how we react. A true stoic sage always remembers… Amor Fati……