I thought I would start by addressing my long absence from posting on this blog, and why I have chosen now to again take up my metaphorical pen but given the current situation I feel that might be superfluous. That said, if I ever god back and read this, it may help to provide some context. As I write this, I/we/the world are in the midst of the global pandemic called COVID 19. I have no need or desire to go over statistics or symptoms. For my purposes, the most important fact is that as it stands, people are scared. As this is a blog for personal reflection, I will be as honest with myself and anyone reading this and say that I am scared.
I should also clarify that this blog was intended to be something of a journal for my thoughts. Previous posts have has some polish on them. However, I feel compelled today to be a bit more “stream of consciousness” than usual.
Like and good support group, I am first admitting I have a problem. My name is Ryan and I am struggling to remain even a little bit Stoic. I am worried about my wife, currently 7 months pregnant with our son, being exposed and getting sick. I am scared that both she and I have had asthma in our lives and COVID is widely shown to be worse for people with respiratory issues. I am worried that I will get sick and be unable to help her or worse, infect her. Also, let’s continue being honest, I am scared of being sick myself.
Logically, I know the realities. The odds are against either of us being exposed. The odds are against us being sick with the virus. The odds are against severe symptoms. Moreover, I know that regardless of the odds, there is nothing I can do about it, beyond what we are already doing (social distancing, quarantine, etc.) For a Stoic, then, this is an easy problem. We do not worry about the things we cannot change. Worrying only makes you suffer twice. The only thing you can control is your reaction to a thing, not this thing itself. I know all the quotes, and I agree with them all.
So why is it I can’t stop my anxiety from getting the better of me on a daily basis. Why is it that after all the reading and information on stoicism I find myself unable to control my own fears and emotions.
Part of the answer is that this is the first time I have been tested. I have dealt with potential stressors before, as have we all, but in many of those cases, I was trained to deal with them. Things got stressful in the military, but I have been ready for that, I had the mental and emotional structures in place to deal it. Not to mention there was usually an enemy that one could see and touch. But, as I read online the other day, “if your outlook has changed significantly since all this started, you have a lot of work to do.” It has, and I do.
Also there is the biggest new difference in my life, the fact that I am a (soon-to-be_ parent). There is no doubt in my mind that if I were alone my current anxiety level would be at 10% of what it is right now. I would like to think I would still be obeying the social distancing rules as best I could, but my level of fear would be significantly reduced. Now, thinking about my wife and/or the baby getting sick makes up 60% of my mental capacity. Another 30% of it is based on my fear of me getting sick because then I will likely expose her to my sickness.
Then there’s that last 10% of my fear which is, I am sorry to admit, based on my own potential for illness. Though that makes up a small percentage of my fears, it is the part for which I am most angry at myself. The stoics literally address this directly when Seneca says “ I do not desire illness, but if I must suffer an illness, I’ll do nothing dishonorable.” Acceptance. Nobility in the face of suffering. And Above all, equanimity in the face of that which you can’t control. I remain far from a sage.
So How can I adjust? How can I start fixing this? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. The only thing I can do (the only thing in my control) is to use this time as training for when something worse comes along. Because my reality, absent my fears of things outside my control, is actually really good. I know this. Neither of us is sick. I have a job that will continue to pay me. Baby has been shown to be healthy. I am getting to spend a lot of time with my wife and though I could be using this time better (than worrying all the time) I am getting lots of work done and reading finished. Just those things alone have me as being more fortunate than so many others. Really I should almost have no right to complain about anything. So, if things are good for now, yet I can’t extricate myself from the cycle of fear and worry, all I can do is use it as training. Maybe when this all blows over, and it will, I will have actually succeeded in making myself more stoic. If I don’t, if I waste this time, I will have truly wasted an opportunity for emotional self-improvement.
It not going to be easy, though. What else can I do?