The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5
I was happy to see that this was today’s quote in the Daily Stoic because if you were to ask me to boil stoicism down to one concept, I would choose this one. That is not, of course, to belittle the other precepts of the philosophy but one could make the argument that this is the most important idea.
The idea is simple to explain, but as with so many other things, it is hard to put into practice. It is the infamous Dichotomy of Control. “This is, of course, the idea that Stoics distinguish between things that are completely under control and things that are not, advising us to let go of the latter and focus on the first.” (Pigliucci)
Often, when I try to explain this to people, they say “Oh! It’s like the serenity prayer!” Yes. It is. And for someone trying to enact these philosophical ideas into his or her daily life, the serenity prayer may be sufficient. But I can’t simply boil this fundamental idea down to a few lines in a popular affirmation. I feel the need to dig deeper and really understand the Dichotomy of Control. The Serenity prayer itself says “Grant me the wisdom to know the difference (between what I can and can’t control.” I currently do not have that wisdom.
Some parts of our life are obvious as far as where they fall. We can’t control the weather, or the guy that cut us off in traffic, or the past. What we can control is that we set our umbrella by the door, and how we react to being cut off, and the degree to which we let the past dictate our present.
But sometimes the distinction is less clear. For one example in my own life, I recently I started Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I am terrible at it, but so far I like a lot. Among the multitude of good things BJJ offers, I was reflecting on the fact that one can see and feel some of the tenants of Stoicism within the sport.
When I roll with an opponent, can I control the outcome? I imagine many would instinctively say “yes”, but I would argue the answer is “no, not really.” I am not saying that the outcome was pre-ordained, what I am saying is there are far too many factors outside of my control.
Obviously, I can control how much I practice, how much sleep I get (sometimes), how much water I drink etc. In the moment before we begin, however, I have no way of changing his skill level, the years he has practiced, his speed, his strength, his mental resilience, his breakfast, none of it. Furthermore, in that moment, I can’t even change my own strength, speed, skill, or dietary decisions. When it starts, all of those things are as they will be.
My goal, therefore should not be to win, as that is mostly out of my hands; it is external. Instead, I should focus on my goals being internal, focused on that which I can actually effect. If then, I play to the absolute best of my ability, and STILL I lose, then that match was never really mine to win anyway.
This is what happens when I roll with a better BJJ player (which is literally everyone in that class). I could be (and often am) bigger, and stronger than my opponent. Regardless, there is very little I can do to make it so I can win. Thus, having a goal of winning at this stage in my training is not only beyond my control, but it is absurd. Instead, my personal goal is that every time I roll I learn something, and improve .01%. With that goal, every time I roll, I win…